BOOM! That person just said that. You are mad. Are they serious? Maybe you say something back. Maybe a furious text exchange starts. Maybe a “heated” conversation ensues. Maybe you work through it, and maybe you don’t. Even if you do work through it, there are residual hurt feelings on both sides. Maybe you are mad at yourself. You feel like that person “got you going” again. You’re frustrated. You’re frustrated with that spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. You’re frustrated with that parent, child, boss, coworker, club member, or fellow church-goer. They did this, or said this, and you got activated. Then you reacted. Maybe you said something to them, or maybe you just “stewed” over it in your mind.
This is my whole life. (Not really, but it feels like it some times.) As I wrote before, we have our Egos, Expectations, and Myths, or Narratives, we live in. (See my Archives Page for more details). https://align-with-love.com/archive/ It’s under a Series called: ‘The Unholy Trinity’. I want you to not say that thing, or ask that question. I want you to not criticize, or be late, or whatever. But you do, and I am activated. I am annoyed you are not doing want I want, or saying what I don’t want you to. I don’t want to help you with this or that thing. I’m having a “bad day”, and I would rather you came back tomorrow. Or, I am thinking some amazing thoughts right now, and you are interrupting my “flow”. I sound very selfish, right?
We ALL do this. We want our day to go a certain way, hair to behave, outfits to flatter, children to just be quiet, the boss to not dump that project on us, and so forth. That’s not reality, as I just wrote last week. Things will go awry. Your ego will clash with another person’s, no matter how much you are alike, have similar interests, or are in love. We will activate one another. Not all activation is bad. As I am using this word here, others have used the word “triggered” or “provoked”. The addict in Recovery knows to avoid triggering people, places, and things! We know things provoke us, like maybe the “other” party in politics and it’s followers. If you are religious, you are provoked or activated by non-religious attitudes. If you are non-religious, you may be provoked by religious folk you think are telling you how to live, or “look down” at you.
I like the word activated, though. It is more neutral, and encompasses both good and bad. I can be activated with compassion when I hear of a natural disaster and want to donate to a charity. I can be activated to help a neighbor who’s lawn mower died, and I can mow part of their lawn. As I have said again and again, we must pause. The snide comment may not need a comeback. It really doesn’t. Maybe instead of starting a “war of words”, you can respond differently. Maybe you can say: ‘Hey, that is hurtful,” or “I hear this when you say that. ” Yes, I know it seems like this will not work with some people, and that may be true. But you can let someone keep pushing your “activate” button and keep getting worked up, or you can make different choices. You are not the mindless machine console in this week’s blog image! You can make choices.
You can choose your responses, too. It may be very hard, especially if you have ingrained patterns from addictions, compulsions, or family of origin trauma. This blog is not a replacement for professional therapy for such things, but it can point you to some awareness. It can help you get some perspective. Then you can say: “I need help, and what can I do to find it?”
So often we do not know where that other person is coming from. I have an idea of what I call “emotional landscapes” that I do not believe I have written about here. Put simply, it is the larger emotional/mental state of your life. Are you a more “upbeat” person? Or are you more melancholy and down? Some people are just super-chill no matter what they are going through. Others, like me, add some “drama” to just about everything. Also, we are all “going through stuff” all the time. Maybe it was a “fuss” with a spouse, or a co-worker is out, and you are stuck doing their work, plus your’s. Maybe that cup of coffee didn’t touch the headache. The plumber can’t make it at 5. Daycare has an outbreak, and you are scrambling to get the kids somewhere, and still make it to the 9AM meeting!
So then, it’s no wonder you are snippy, are irritable, or got “activated” with that one more request, comment, look, etc. What is your landscape, and what is that other person’s? Maybe you don’t have a relationship that you can (or should) disclose all that is going on in your life. But maybe you can communicate something. Maybe just saying to co-workers: “I have a very ill parent, and it is very draining, and I may need to be out sometimes, and I won’t be able to work on this assignment.” Maybe that is all that is needed. Maybe saying: “I am hearing things in this text that may not be true, can we get on the phone, or grab coffee in person?” That question might have saved me hours of my life!
We’ll say we don’t have time to disclose “emotional landscapes”. We’re too busy to stop for an in-person chat. But, we are willing to keep carrying the “mental load” of whatever the activation is? I know for me, I have lost countless hours being “in my head” over a text exchange, or how I perceived an email, or a conversation, instead of getting clarity. Maybe you don’t relate, and don’t read into things, or just don’t care what someone said or meant.
Some of us do, and spend a lot of time and energy on it. We probably shouldn’t, but we do. So, if you are someone easily activated, this post is for you. If you are not easily activated, you surely activate someone, and having some sensitivity as to how you may be coming across is a good thing. Some people are chronically hurting the people around them with a profound lack of self awareness, and have a huge disconnect from the Realms of Living. (See Archives again.)
Don’t be one of those people. Have some consideration for others–this is another way to Align with Love. If you are the easily activated one, don’t be down on yourself. There are numerous reasons you are that way. One of the most obvious is that you care. You care about how you feel, and you care about how others feel. It’s called empathy–and it is on short supply in too many quarters. But, when you get lost in your own head over what you are perceiving, it is time for some realignment. Breathe and pause–I will keep writing it. Ask for clarification. “Did you mean this? Is this due then? Do you want me to stop this task, and focus on this other thing? Could I have a few minutes to think on it?” As Peter Scazzero says: “How are you experiencing me?” is another good question to ask others to get their perspective on you. I dread asking that question, and it needs to be with the right person. But, if you can have relationships with that kind of honesty–that is a wonderful thing.
Lastly, take that activation to God. I know not everyone reading this will want to do that, but it can not hurt you to ask: “God, what are you showing me in this activation? Why am I angry, hurt, or sad? Why do I want this to happen, or need this to go this way?” It might just be some minor Ego matter, or maybe there are deep Narratives that will need therapy to properly correct. Either way, openness to the Great Reality, and getting some Divine Guidance will help tremendously!
I once had an issue with a person where there was enormous misunderstanding, and I was very much in my head over the issues we had with each other. I did not then have the tools I am blogging about firmly established. I could not see my own Ego, and the like, fully. But as I prayed, I felt that God showed me that the person had some deep mental health issues that I had unwittingly activated, and a lot of their reactions were their issues. I needed to have compassion, stop making the whole thing about me, and stop my own ruminations. Everything was not magically “better” with that person, but I was better at how I was activated by them, and how I handled myself and my responses.
It takes time to improve our responses to life and to other people. Be patient. Return to Openness and Lightness over and over again–Alignment will come. Choose to dial down how activated you get, especially over truly unimportant things. A soul in constant turmoil is exhausting–I know–I had one, and still have one, sometimes.
Deeper Flow will come when you seek God, and seek peace with others. You will have more sanity, and so will others. I promise you will.
Until next time,
-Eric, the Wordsmith
BP29
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